The Loser.

Another sleepless night.

I found out that i have this tendency of not able to sleep when i have many things on my mind. Well, not many actually. There are only a few things that is able to make me think constantly.

I think a lot i know. And when i think a lot, i do not talk. Yes it is a huge contradiction from my 'normal' self because i 'talk a lot'. But you know what? I hate it when people say why am i so quiet when i talk a lot normally. I hate it a lot.

It doesn't mean i talk a lot most of the time means i have to be that ALL the time. When i got nothing to say, i just keep quiet. Easy to understand?

I just realized, i have never won anything in my life before. Such a loser. Is it because of my huge flaws? Hmmm. It must be it. Prolly i deserve it anyway.

I should learn to be a bit selfish. I think it is only right that sometimes i only live for myself. Right? Heh.

Oops i did it again.

As prior to the previous post, i said i suck in handling relationships. And i have proved it once again. Yes i did it again. How many times is this going to happen...i guess my already weak heart cant take anymore of it.
Everytime i was determined to not to get into the same kind of shit, but still it happens. Fuck my own determination oh you weak one.
And a few times the consequences are dire. I have ended up losing something or someone i cherish the most at a certain point of my life.
But this is different. I've never met a person who is so close to me that we can read each other's mind even without saying and just by mere eye contact.
Bah, it doesnt matter now. Things have turned sour because of what I have done AGAIN.
And so i am alone once more. =) May lightning strike me.

I Guess...

I guess, i really suck in handling relationships. Relationships of any kind i would say. At a certain point of time i will drift myself far away from everyone. It sounds strange i know. But sometimes, i do not feel close to anyone, so much so that i just want to isolate myself. But i guess it's human nature to be anti-social one in a while. I think we can't really expect too much from a person. Call it a self-protect mechanism you may, but the least you expect, you least you get disappointed.

People who are close to me will know what happened to me a few months back. It did take some time to get back up on my feet and start walking again. Life is back to normal once again. I'm glad i do have some people that stood by, and i thank them for it. But in the end, you have to face it yourself. It certainly had made me grown, so let it be gone and stop harping on that subject.

I realized i'm getting more and more self-centered. Okay maybe that wasn't a good word to use but lately i'm increasingly minding less and less of other people's business. Frankly speaking, i don't really care anymore. Looking back at myself, i think i have slightly changed, which i believe it might be a good sign.

So i just live my life as i have planned. Let me finish this post with a quote from William Wallace:" Every man dies. Not every man really lives."

I'm Back...

Wooo. Im back into blogging! That's a good thing, i suppose. Been in a hiatus for as long since the extinction of the dinosaurs...okay im exaggerating abit. So what have i done for these past two weeks? Let me think. *Thinking in process...........*


*After 30 mins....* I did...nothing. No, really! I did absolutely nothing!!! T.T Yea i heard the background voices of 'you no-life arse' or something...which i agree. =( I remember the last time i went out with friends was last friday. Had high tea/movie/dinner in One Utama. Damn the movie Max Payne, it was f***ing horrendous!!! To the extend that it can make *insert whatever movie you hate* an Oscar Winning performance. Yes it is THAT bad. Verdict? 1/10. (Only because of the absolutely hot Olga Kurylenko who played Natasha, other than that it sucked for any other aspects.) Okay let's hit ourselves on the head and pray that we will forget about this movie and hope it'll flop. *whispers: cause it deserves to.*

Now for some happy/sohai stuff!

Friend:" I'm from Kelantan."
Me:"Oh, cool! I've been there once!"
Friend:"Reallie? For what? Cause there isn't anything much here."
Me:" Who says? You got Redang! And i went there!"
Friend:"...Errr...dude...i think u got the wrong place. Redang is in Trengganu."
Me:"..."

-______- damn i feel like an sohai. geography tuition classes for me anybody?

I just came back from a yum cha session with my dear Miss Tan, Mr Toh and Mr Ng. Dang it turned out to be a finance/economic forum...most of our topics are revolved around the financial crisis in the US and the impact it will have on Malaysia. Damn we are intellectuel. The growing job hunt stress is building on all of us, except for Mr. Toh who had landed a job in a firm. I tell you, that firm is a legend...but i will continue that in the next post. Anyway, we were predicting that the unempolyment rate in Malaysia will definitely rise in the next 2 years. T.T That means that we are the direct and the first batch of 'victims', if you will call us, to fully feel the effects of this rising rate of unemployment. God why are you doing this to me!!!!*Pulls hair* Bahhhh. Let's hope that it wont affect me and my friends. =x

K goodnight people!

I know...

i know...i'm not as good as any other people in the world...
i know...i have a whole lot of weaknesses and bad points...
i know...i am not as strong as other people...
i know...i have a tendency to say things that i should not say...
i know...i'm not as hardworking as other people...
i know...i lack alot of self confidence...
i know...i need alot of care and concern...
i know...i am very scared of loneliness...
i know...i am very annoying at time...
i know...i hardly tried to get something i reallie want...
i know...alot of people dont have a good impression of me...
i know...i'm freaking weak in the heart...

because i know i'm have so many things to improve on...that's why i know my number of friends will also be limited...i cant help them in so many ways...because i know i dont have even a single thing that im proud of...not even one...

because i know myself...that's why...i am thankful and glad for a few people who love me for who i am...they have never looked down on me...providing me support and care that i desperately need at times....

because i know...i have nothing to offer....therefore...i can only offer my heart and soul to my friends...because its the only thing i have...i will bare out my everything...to anyone whom i think is my good friend...because i believe...friends should trust each other...even at these materialistic times, we should put our trust in people around us...because in this world...nobody is alone...

i trust alot of people...call me foolish...but i reallie do treat all of you as my close friends...i believe... heart-to-heart talks makes people grow closer...

i do not care....if you do not treat me as a friend....because when i am certain that you are my friend...i will do everything in i can...to help you and care for you...i never want people around me to get hurt...sometimes...i wished i will be the one suffering...i tried my best...not to hurt anybody around me....but sometimes...i do....that's stupid...

i know...these few weeks i have done something very very wrong....so wrong that i start to doubt myself...doubting my very existence in this world...in an instance...my whole world started to collapse...

but i know...i have nobody to blame but myself...the result is a price i have to pay...a very dear price...i have lost an important piece of my life now...i know it will take quite some time to fix that missing piece back....but no matter what....it will never ever be the same piece again...

i know...i owe alot of apologies and thanks to alot of people...i have troubled you guys far enough...i will appreciate what you people did...and this is a public apology to everybody...please forgive me...i am so sorrie...so sorrie....

but i know...the damage is done...no amount of apologize can undo the wrongs that i did...but i can only say sorrie....sincerely....because i dunno what can i do...or rather...there isnt a need to do anything anymore...

i know...i am very hurt now...to the extend that i cant breathe...my heart...is so numb now that i cant feel anything...sadness...happiness...anger....pityness....nothing...nothing at all...from what i see from my eyes...are nothing but greyness...

i also know...from tomorrow onwards...everything will be different...i will need to grow up and face the world tomorrow...i am still young...i hafta get on with my life....the sun tomorrow will still be as bright...Joe...you must be strong and grow up....it's time to grow up little boy...nobody will be there for you forever...only yourself...

Everybody in this world is insane...because we keep doing the same things again and again...expecting a totally different result...as i can foresee i will get back into this rut once again...i just hope it wont be that soon...

I just want a rest now...i am so tired emotionally....so tired...

But still...i just wanna say...i'm sorrie.... because that's the only thing i can say now....i have unknowingly hurt someone i am so dear to....even though i never never never meant for it to happen...it just did....no amount of regrets will do the repair...i just hope...time...can be the healing factor....

I just want you people to know....no matter what happens....i love you people...:)

Misunderstandings?

i dunno how you got the impression of that. but it was never my intention to make it sound like that. i dunno how you managed to interpret that. but you, of all people should know that i will NEVER EVER say or do anything to hurt you. I know it was wrong of me to do what i did. i know you are very pissed at me at the moment. i am reallie saying sorrie sincerely to you if i have said or done anything wrong. but on the other hand, i know no amount of sorrie will do because that's not gonna solve anything. it's what you believed in too...

But i dunno how to express my heart felt regrets to you...except for saying sorrie in hope that you can forgive me. I reallie dun wanna lose you as a friend...i reallie reallie do not wish to...you're so important...

i admit when it comes to handling relationships(relationships of any kind)...i'm very very naive. i admit sometimes i do stupid things that i think it was right, only to find out it was wrong...very wrong. And now...i'm tasting the bitter fruits. =(

i'm at a loss right now. i totally dunno what to do. all i ask for...is to give me a chance to explain and talk about it...it is because i care...i care a lot. Please text me or give me a ring when u decided it's the right time......but i think i shall leave you alone for the week. It is my promise to you that i wont be so sticky from now on... =)

I know it's entirely my fault to make things become this way...and i dunno what i can do...but i reallie do hope...we can be back to best friends once again... =)

But i'm so sorrie for hurting you in anyway or causing in any misunderstandings...have a great week...take care...

无题。。。

想了好久，都不知道要写什么。 仿佛有千言万语， 却又不知道如何下笔。 我只知道我的思绪很乱。。。很乱。。。
我想， 我的性格中真的带有那么一点的优柔寡断吧。。。该拿起时总顾虑太多， 该放下时却永远的放不下。。。但是， 当你把整颗心都投入进去的时候。。。要抽身而出是多么不容易。。。
不过，有些事是真的勉强不来的。。。 因为成事在人， 谋事在天！=p 我现在只求自己做到最好。只要对自己问心无愧就好了吧!!!
算了， 既然那个选择已经做了， 就是一个事实了。 但是，我的心， 却也冷了。
虽然我们可能回不到那个阶段，但我还是非常庆幸。 因为我们曾经短暂地走入了彼此的生命里， 这已经非常足够了。 =) 不过，我还是很奢侈地奢望， 我们还是能像以前一样， 当彼此最好的那个朋友。 =p
我想， 我应该会慢慢地站起来。。。坚强地追寻自己的梦想。心情会慢慢地回复吧。。。
无论如何， 我还是会像以前那样关心你， 在你最需要的时候出现。。。 因为在这时候， 无可否认的是你是我生命极为重要的一个人。 =）
最后，祝你幸福。也祝福我能早日离开这个漩涡。。。在我们以后的道路上能互相扶持。。。我也很乐意能做那个倾听你的那个人。。。愿我们做永远的好朋友 =）